I'm Tanner Than You

I struggled with naming this blog. Seven days at the Ritz Carlton in Cancun, Mexico leaves you with a lot of time to people watch. Based on my observations, here are some title suggestions:

Kids and Their Obnoxious Parents
Kids and Technology
Kids and Louis Vuitton
When I was Ten…
I’m Going to Need to See a Manager
Built-in Floatation Devices
Bag of Bones
My Fair Behind
Eduardo y Yo
Buenos Dias, Buenos Aires, Same Thing
I Don’t Work on Vacation
Virgin Sacrifice

Instead of telling just one story, I organized the more interesting titles into chapters of my time in Cancun. Enjoy the circus.

I’m Tanner Than You
That’s all.

Obnoxious Kids and Parents
Children after age seven should not be allowed to leave the house until they turn sixteen. First they grow brains and loud mouths and then they hit puberty and they become unbearable. I was a kid once. I know. I don’t believe in only child syndrome. Only rotten parents and spoiled children, which I have seen plenty of in Cancun. There were too many times I wanted to interrupt a tantrum to inform the child he or she was probably a mistake. I refrained. I went on a lot of great vacations with my aunt as a kid, but I don’t think I ever hit her, requested better seating at a restaurant, or stripped naked and led her on a game of “catch the naked kid.” (All things I’ve seen here).

-Little girl on elevator: “Daddy I preferred the Ritz in California to our villa in Vail, Colorado.”
-One little boy to another little boy: “I was talking to the guy at the pool and I said, ‘You don’t have one? Well then I’m going to need to see a manager.’”
-Five year old boy to his mother: “Mommy get my iPhone.”

Obnoxious Kids and Technology
I would like to point out that I have never felt so ancient since arriving here. I haven’t seen so many children under ten with iPhones, iPods, iPads and Kindles. I doubt they know how to turn the page of a book with out a button. I told my dear friend J about this, and she asked if I threw the kids and all their toys in the pool. I would have; however, with all the silicone parts around here, all would have survived by grabbing the nearest floatation device. This brings me to my next chapter.

Built-in Floatation Devices
The number of fake boobs, butts, lips, tummies and thighs around here could save Venice from sinking.

My Fair Behind
The amount of times I’ve been to the hotel gym outnumbers the amount of times I’ve been to the gym in the last three months. I would like to say it’s because the facilities are beautiful and they pass out cold towels that smell like menthol, but it’s really because everyone here weighs negative 4 pounds.

Eduardo y Yo
I’ve made several friends with the staff around the hotel, mostly because I’m not afraid to speak Spanish with them. I think they appreciate someone who tries, and I appreciate them correcting me when I say something a little off. Eduardo at the pool brings me ice water in the morning and Jorge the bar manager knows l get my aunt a Diet Coke after dinner. (He also knows I am partial to tequila sunrises). I’m not dumb enough to think these extra perks are something reserved just for me, but I also know a little kindness goes a long way.

Buenos Dias, Buenos Aires
My aunt doesn’t speak Spanish at all, so I do my best to speak with the staff in Spanish for her. (There’s something about English that comes out so angry and rude when we order things). In an effort to be nice, my aunt greeted the housekeeper with “Buenos Aires!” She must have realized her attempt failed because she asked me what the greeting was again. I told her you say “Buenos dias” in the morning. You say “Buenos Aires” when you refer to the capital of Argentina.


I Don’t Work on Vacation
I’m sorry I’ve ignored your emails, phone calls and text messages, but I do not work on vacation. I promise the minute I get wifi on the plane, I will begin to respond to the requests waiting in my inbox, but there is something terrible about writing a report, strategic plan or press release while sitting in a beach chair. I think sunburn is guaranteed when you try to mix business and pleasure in this way. My aunt has spent 40% of this vacation sitting at her computer in the hotel room working on a large project for her fancy job that pays her enough to allow her to take me on vacations to the Ritz in Cancun. My theory: If in order to afford a vacation this nice, you have to work the entire time you are here, it’s not worth it.

In all, the trip was fantastic, warm and relaxing. Some time away was just what I needed after a crazy busy semester and an even nuttier one to come.